Notes on Ch. 9 P-A-C and Children

Chapter 9 of I'M OK - YOU'RE OK by Thomas A. Harris, M.D.


A child is not built in a day. Most decisions that a child takes follow an accumulation of signals or experiences. The child will develop I'm OK decision based on the signals, messages, actions and reactions of parents apart from many other elders.

Introduction

A child is not built in a day. Most decisions that a child takes follow an accumulation of signals or experiences. The child will develop I'm OK decision based on the signals, messages, actions and reactions of parents apart from many other elders.

Important Messages

Jacqui Schiff in his Cathexis Reader stressed the importance of three messages from parents to child.

1. You can solve problems.
2. You can think.
3. You can do things.

Parents have to give don't do messages. But a good rule to follow is whenver a child is told what not to do, also tell them what to do. This will build their confidence in their own abilities and hence OK-ness. This will develop their capacity to solve problems.

Some of the Don't messages of Parents (with negative consequences)

Parents need to avoid these Don't messages

1. Don't: This implies a big NO to activity from the child.
2. Don't be: Parents saying what fun we had before the kids came.
3. Don't be close.
4. Don't be important: Parents belittling a child's activities and imagined and expressed achievements.
5. Don't be a child.
6. Don't grow.
7. Don't succeed: If parents get upset when their child wins an argument, this message goes out.
8. Don't be sane and don't be well: If a child gets attention only when he is sick.
9. Don't be you: Expressing the idea that they wanted a girl instead of a boy or a boy instead of a girl.
10. Don't trust.
11. Don't think.
12. You don't deserve it.

Some of the Do message Normally Given by Parents

1. Be perfect.
2. Be best.
3. Try hard.
4. Hurry up.
5. Be strong


A Child - Happy Achiever
Make your child a happy achiever.

A child is especially happy if his achievement brings the reward of parental stroking. When a child does a task in the hope of getting parental recognition and appreciation, and the stroke follows the achievement, the child would think " I made my parent proud of me." This experience and thought is a form of mastery that develops I am OK thinking.

A Child Unappreciated - Unhappy Achiever

Children feel betrayed when they achieve something that their parent wish for and still parents withhold appreciation. Parents have their own rationale and logic for withholding the expected stroke. But all such withholding develops a frustrated a child, an unhappy achiever.

1. Some parents withhold stroking thinking that success will go to the head of the child.
2. Some parents wants to convey don't rest on the present laurels but do more.
3. Parents do not understand the achievements of their children and do not care about them.
4. Parents sometimes says the right thing was not done.
5. Some parents look for perfection and notice shortcomings rather than the big picture of success.
6. The worst part played by parents is to steal the appreciation due for the child for his effort. Instead they proclaim, we prayed to God all along. God listened to us. God has enough praise. The child wants the praise. Instead parents want to praise themselves.
7. Achievements are downplayed by referring to something which could have been done but was not done.
8. Somebody who is excited with silver medal is told that there is gold medal also.

There is no pleasing for some parents. Parents needs are so great that there cannot reward their own children for their best efforts to please them. It is good if more parents are more aware of themselves.

Some Guidelines for Good Parenting

Awareness

Become aware of your motives and feelings and become aware of your child.

Acceptances

Provide unconditional love to your children.

Honesty

Provide honest answers to even difficult questions.
Talk straight and be consistent. Consistency develops a feeling of mastery in the child as he can predict.

Hope

Show hope that a solution is possible if one keeps searching for it.


References

Thomas A. Harris, I'm OK - You're OK, Harper and Row, 1969
Amy Bjork Harris and Thomas A. Harris, 1985





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