Notes on Ch.4. We Can Change

Goal of TA - Freedom of Choice for the Person

The goal of Transactional Analysis (TA) is to enable a person to have freedom of choice, the freedom to change at will, to change the responses to recurring and new stimuli. This freedom is lost in early childhood by some people they become neurotic. People afflicted with neurotic process continually involve themselves in solving archaic problems in stead of dealing with today's reality.

Restoration of freedom to change is the goal of Psychotherapy or treatment using TA.

In Child state people demand certainty. In Adult state they accept probability.

Accepting the probabilistic nature of future is important trying to discern probabilities is also important.

The statement of philosopher Elton Trueblood is appropriate here.

"The fact taht we do not have absolute certainty in regard to any human conclusions does not mean that the task of inquiry is fruitless. We must, it is true, always proceed onthe basis of probability, but to have probability is to have something. What we seek in any realm of human thought is not absolute certainty, for that is denied us as men, but rather the more modest path of those who find dependable ways of discrning different degrees of probability."

Does Man Have a Free Will?

Human beings even though caught in cause-and-effect drama, have become more than what it was implied by cause and effect analysis. The evidence of evolution - and of personal experience - convinces us that many has become more than his antecedents. (The present decisions and actions have also a role in determining the outcome).

Man does what he does for certain reasons, but those reasons do not all lie in the past. Man, through thought, is able to look to the future. It is described by Charles Harteshorne as 'creative causation'. Elton Trueblood emphasized this point by proposing that causes for human behavior lie not only in the past but in man's ability to contemplate the future (in deterministic terms or estimate probabilities). Man is a creature whose present is constantly being dominated by reference to the nonexistent, but nevertheless potent, future. Most of the thought of the man is concerned with what might be produced, provided certain steps could be taken.

Thinking is very imporant. A genuine novelty can emerge in the very act of thinking. Thinking is a true and creative cause. Something happens, when a man thinks, which would not have occurred otherwise. This is what is meant by self causation.

What Makes People Want to Change?

Their thoughts and actions hurt them sufficiently big.

He is bored with his thoughts and actions.

Awareness that they can change for better.

Notes on Ch. 9 P-A-C and Children

Chapter 9 of I'M OK - YOU'RE OK by Thomas A. Harris, M.D.


A child is not built in a day. Most decisions that a child takes follow an accumulation of signals or experiences. The child will develop I'm OK decision based on the signals, messages, actions and reactions of parents apart from many other elders.

Introduction

A child is not built in a day. Most decisions that a child takes follow an accumulation of signals or experiences. The child will develop I'm OK decision based on the signals, messages, actions and reactions of parents apart from many other elders.

Important Messages

Jacqui Schiff in his Cathexis Reader stressed the importance of three messages from parents to child.

1. You can solve problems.
2. You can think.
3. You can do things.

Parents have to give don't do messages. But a good rule to follow is whenver a child is told what not to do, also tell them what to do. This will build their confidence in their own abilities and hence OK-ness. This will develop their capacity to solve problems.

Some of the Don't messages of Parents (with negative consequences)

Parents need to avoid these Don't messages

1. Don't: This implies a big NO to activity from the child.
2. Don't be: Parents saying what fun we had before the kids came.
3. Don't be close.
4. Don't be important: Parents belittling a child's activities and imagined and expressed achievements.
5. Don't be a child.
6. Don't grow.
7. Don't succeed: If parents get upset when their child wins an argument, this message goes out.
8. Don't be sane and don't be well: If a child gets attention only when he is sick.
9. Don't be you: Expressing the idea that they wanted a girl instead of a boy or a boy instead of a girl.
10. Don't trust.
11. Don't think.
12. You don't deserve it.

Some of the Do message Normally Given by Parents

1. Be perfect.
2. Be best.
3. Try hard.
4. Hurry up.
5. Be strong


A Child - Happy Achiever
Make your child a happy achiever.

A child is especially happy if his achievement brings the reward of parental stroking. When a child does a task in the hope of getting parental recognition and appreciation, and the stroke follows the achievement, the child would think " I made my parent proud of me." This experience and thought is a form of mastery that develops I am OK thinking.

A Child Unappreciated - Unhappy Achiever

Children feel betrayed when they achieve something that their parent wish for and still parents withhold appreciation. Parents have their own rationale and logic for withholding the expected stroke. But all such withholding develops a frustrated a child, an unhappy achiever.

1. Some parents withhold stroking thinking that success will go to the head of the child.
2. Some parents wants to convey don't rest on the present laurels but do more.
3. Parents do not understand the achievements of their children and do not care about them.
4. Parents sometimes says the right thing was not done.
5. Some parents look for perfection and notice shortcomings rather than the big picture of success.
6. The worst part played by parents is to steal the appreciation due for the child for his effort. Instead they proclaim, we prayed to God all along. God listened to us. God has enough praise. The child wants the praise. Instead parents want to praise themselves.
7. Achievements are downplayed by referring to something which could have been done but was not done.
8. Somebody who is excited with silver medal is told that there is gold medal also.

There is no pleasing for some parents. Parents needs are so great that there cannot reward their own children for their best efforts to please them. It is good if more parents are more aware of themselves.

Some Guidelines for Good Parenting

Awareness

Become aware of your motives and feelings and become aware of your child.

Acceptances

Provide unconditional love to your children.

Honesty

Provide honest answers to even difficult questions.
Talk straight and be consistent. Consistency develops a feeling of mastery in the child as he can predict.

Hope

Show hope that a solution is possible if one keeps searching for it.


References

Thomas A. Harris, I'm OK - You're OK, Harper and Row, 1969
Amy Bjork Harris and Thomas A. Harris, 1985





Original post in
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Notes on Ch.9 P-A-C and Children

Good Parenting - Developing OK Child - Transactional Analysis Perspective

A child is not built in a day. Most decisions that a child takes follow an accumulation of signals or experiences. The child will develop I'm OK decision based on the signals, messages, actions and reactions of parents apart from many other elders.

Introduction

A child is not built in a day. Most decisions that a child takes follow an accumulation of signals or experiences. The child will develop I'm OK decision based on the signals, messages, actions and reactions of parents apart from many other elders.

Important Messages

Jacqui Schiff in his Cathexis Reader stressed the importance of three messages from parents to child.

1. You can solve problems.
2. You can think.
3. You can do things.

Parents have to give don't do messages. But a good rule to follow is whenver a child is told what not to do, also tell them what to do. This will build their confidence in their own abilities and hence OK-ness. This will develop their capacity to solve problems.

Some of the Don't messages of Parents (with negative consequences)

Parents need to avoid these Don't messages

1. Don't: This implies a big NO to activity from the child.
2. Don't be: Parents saying what fun we had before the kids came.
3. Don't be close.
4. Don't be important: Parents belittling a child's activities and imagined and expressed achievements.
5. Don't be a child.
6. Don't grow.
7. Don't succeed: If parents get upset when their child wins an argument, this message goes out.
8. Don't be sane and don't be well: If a child gets attention only when he is sick.
9. Don't be you: Expressing the idea that they wanted a girl instead of a boy or a boy instead of a girl.
10. Don't trust.
11. Don't think.
12. You don't deserve it.

Some of the Do message Normally Given by Parents

1. Be perfect.
2. Be best.
3. Try hard.
4. Hurry up.
5. Be strong


A Child - Happy Achiever
Make your child a happy achiever.

A child is especially happy if his achievement brings the reward of parental stroking. When a child does a task in the hope of getting parental recognition and appreciation, and the stroke follows the achievement, the child would think " I made my parent proud of me." This experience and thought is a form of mastery that develops I am OK thinking.

A Child Unappreciated - Unhappy Achiever

Children feel betrayed when they achieve something that their parent wish for and still parents withhold appreciation. Parents have their own rationale and logic for withholding the expected stroke. But all such withholding develops a frustrated a child, an unhappy achiever.

1. Some parents withhold stroking thinking that success will go to the head of the child.
2. Some parents wants to convey don't rest on the present laurels but do more.
3. Parents do not understand the achievements of their children and do not care about them.
4. Parents sometimes says the right thing was not done.
5. Some parents look for perfection and notice shortcomings rather than the big picture of success.
6. The worst part played by parents is to steal the appreciation due for the child for his effort. Instead they proclaim, we prayed to God all along. God listened to us. God has enough praise. The child wants the praise. Instead parents want to praise themselves.
7. Achievements are downplayed by referring to something which could have been done but was not done.
8. Somebody who is excited with silver medal is told that there is gold medal also.

There is no pleasing for some parents. Parents needs are so great that there cannot reward their own children for their best efforts to please them. It is good if more parents are more aware of themselves.

Some Guidelines for Good Parenting

Awareness

Become aware of your motives and feelings and become aware of your child.

Acceptances

Provide unconditional love to your children.

Honesty

Provide honest answers to even difficult questions.
Talk straight and be consistent. Consistency develops a feeling of mastery in the child as he can predict.

Hope

Show hope that a solution is possible if one keeps searching for it.


References

Thomas A. Harris, I'm OK - You're OK, Harper and Row, 1969
Amy Bjork Harris and Thomas A. Harris, 1985

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